I spent 4 days with Andy, Nico, and Julie, and I will be fair, I had a great time, and I liked each and every one of them, but it came a point that I felt like we have some differences in our travel styles, and it’s the best for myself if I split and continue to travel on my own terms, and my own style. after we arrived in Pushkar, I told the rest that I’m going to split, and immediately I felt there is a very weird vibe in the air…. So, I decided to talk it over….
But the talk didn’t go well. My decision to split was so we could say good-bye in good terms, enjoy our last day together, and cherish the memories, but thing didn’t go as I wanted.
after the talk, I went to the rooftop, trying to figure things out for myself, I was very devastated that I couldn’t make the hard feelings go away, I believed no one had done anything wrong, there were just differences, that was all. but I wanted everyone to be happy with me, to like me before I leave, I thought I should go talk to Andy again, even after the rude behavior that he showed , I even thought of buying him something as a gesture of appreciation….
But then suddenly, it occurred to me, it all sounded too familiar to me, me trying to please others, me trying to make others like me, me trying to prove that I HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG……. this, this was the cause of all my misery in the past 2 years, because I was constantly trying to prove that ‘hey, dude, I haven’t done anything wrong, why are you treating em this way.’
If only I had told myself for once” hey, good girl! do you believe if you’ve done anything wrong? if not let others be jerks ad assholes, kick them out of your life, don’t explain yourself to anyone” I would’ve never caused myself so much pain in the past. The pattern just looked so very familiar to me, I saw that here with the “Rajasthan crew” I was repeating the very very same pattern.
So, I decided to let go. yes, I would’ve rathered if we partied on our last night together, and hugged each other the next morning, said goodbye with a big smile on our faces, and appreciated the memories. But that was not gonna happen, and I believed I had not done any wrong, neither did they. But I had to learn stop explaining myself to others, or feeling bad about the situation.
So, as I was wiping away my tears, I smiled, went down, showered, slept, and left the next morning without any other word.